I felt the Lord begin... Hi there! I'm Ilyssa. 21 years young. College Student, Ph.D. bound. I'm in love with an amazing man. I reblog everything from pictures of love, food, places, quotes, literature, and so on. If you want to know anything else, ask!

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tylercoates:

Oh, boy, here we go! I hated Drive so much, you guys. SO MUCH. I realize that my hatred is primarily because I went in thinking I was going to see THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD (I blame all of you for this), and my disappointment mere ten minutes in is what really did it for me. Like, I get that I go to see terrible movies sometimes for funsies, but I am going to tell you right now that I whole-heartedly enjoyed Friends with Benefits a shit ton better than Drive. So here are my thoughts (which include spoilers), try not to get pissed off, you crazy Driveheads. 
The first basic fact: this movie was two hours of someone jerking off to Ryan Gosling. Sure, there’s a plot, so, congratulations filmmakers! But you forgot stuff like character development and realistic emotions. But whatever. Ryan Gosling is soooooo hot, right? Did you see the way he pulls off denim-on-denim? There wasn’t a dry crotch in the house! Well, except for mine: I think Ryan Gosling looks like he was created by Pixar in order to produce erections, and while I would certainly throw one in him, he’s not at the top on my list.
Let’s all congratulate Carey Mulligan! She’s really pulled off that sad blonde look. Hey, what face would you make when both your car breaks down and your husband is shot in the head during a heist-gone-wrong? The same one? OK! Great acting! But at least she emoted, which is something that Ryan Gosling was too cool for school about. 
Isn’t it kind of weird that Albert Brooks was basically the lead in this movie on account that he had the most lines? Ryan Gosling had two (“Sure” and “OK”). Also, I thought Albert Brooks was Ryan O’Neil at first. I’m not sure if that’s a burn on Albert Brooks or Ryan O’Neil. 
I swear to God, if anyone in this movie gets nominated for an Oscar, I will throw a fucking fit because subjective and pointless honors given to famous people sometimes really chap my ass. But I do want to hand out some awards here, particularly to Carey Mulligan’s character: she gets Parent of the Year for holding her son in her lap while some stranger drives his vintage sports car super fast all over the Grease set. And Christina Hendricks gets the Julia Stiles in The Bourne Identity award because what the fuck was Christina Hendricks doing in this movie?
I guess Christina Hendricks was visiting a friend on the set next door, and she wandered over onto the Drive shoot and was like, “Hey guys, I am famous because I am on TV and I have tits, have you heard?” And the director was like, “OMG I totally forgot to cast anyone for this shitty role of Blanche. You got a couple of hours? You really don’t have to say anything and you get to be shot in the head.” Christina was like, “Well, sure! But is it alright if I wear my street clothes? I love my faux-denim hoodie.” 
When Christina Hendricks was shot in the head and you see her brain explode? What great cinema. It really changed the game! You see, Drive thus far had been forty-minutes of Ryan Gosling’s blank stares set to the poor man’s M83, so something needed to happen. And obviously all hell had to break loose and everyone started dying in Saw-like ways. Hey, here’s a curtain rod, why don’t you get all McGuyver on everybody’s asses, Ryan Gosling? We need an excuse to show three seconds of the most violent thing anyone has ever seen, so we’re gonna need you to go ahead and kick someone’s face in with your snakeskin boots. (Oh, what a dreamboat homicidal maniac who had no realistic characterization that would allow us to believe that he would go ahead and break in someone’s face! SWOON.)
Ron Perlman: WOOF. I bet Christina Hendricks was really excited that she got her face on her own Drive poster, and then got 100% less excited when she saw that Ron Perlman had his own poster, too. 
Serious question: why didn’t more people get shot? It is 2011; are all of the mob-related deaths in Los Angeles stabbings and car-rammings? 
Another question: did you know that this movie was based on a book? I bet it was a YA novel. 
The only likable character in this movie, for me, was Benicio, the scrappy son of Carey Mulligan and her Latino husband. Having said that, I wanted everyone in this movie to be stabbed with a curtain rod and I would have been OK if the body count included little Benicio. Collateral damage!
At the end of the movie, when Albert Brooks meets up with Ryan Gosling to get the one million dollars that he didn’t even want in the first place, but it was there, just like everything else in this stupid movie with the pretty lights, I was so excited when Albert stabbed Ryan and then Ryan stabbed Albert, and I thought, “YES! EVERYONE IS DEAD NOW. How satisfying!” And then we had to sit there for another two minutes while Ryan Gosling stared into space before turning the ignition and driving off into the sunset, or driver heaven or something. “Fuck it,” said this movie.
Ryan Gosling’s character didn’t have a name. Oooooh, mysterious! Where did he come from? Was he a ghost the whole time? Why is that ghost wearing that stupid jacket and chewing on toothpicks? Who’s a super cool guy ghost?! I guess this was adding a little bit of western iconography into a film noir setting, which is the equivalent of a French-Asian fusion restaurant. I give it one star on Yelp. 
You’d think that as a freelance blogger with a questionable moral code would relate to a freelance stuntman / getaway driver with a questionable moral code, but I only make fun of famous people on the Internet and try my hardest not to beat people with hammers. But hey, I get how hard it is to live without health insurance, so that’s one thing that we have in common. 
I understand that when it comes to entertainment everyone has an opinion and not one is completely right. In this case, however, if you liked Drive you are a moron and I probably shouldn’t talk to you ever again because I am 1000000% correct here. The end!

tylercoates:

Oh, boy, here we go! I hated Drive so much, you guys. SO MUCH. I realize that my hatred is primarily because I went in thinking I was going to see THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD (I blame all of you for this), and my disappointment mere ten minutes in is what really did it for me. Like, I get that I go to see terrible movies sometimes for funsies, but I am going to tell you right now that I whole-heartedly enjoyed Friends with Benefits a shit ton better than Drive. So here are my thoughts (which include spoilers), try not to get pissed off, you crazy Driveheads. 

  • The first basic fact: this movie was two hours of someone jerking off to Ryan Gosling. Sure, there’s a plot, so, congratulations filmmakers! But you forgot stuff like character development and realistic emotions. But whatever. Ryan Gosling is soooooo hot, right? Did you see the way he pulls off denim-on-denim? There wasn’t a dry crotch in the house! Well, except for mine: I think Ryan Gosling looks like he was created by Pixar in order to produce erections, and while I would certainly throw one in him, he’s not at the top on my list.
  • Let’s all congratulate Carey Mulligan! She’s really pulled off that sad blonde look. Hey, what face would you make when both your car breaks down and your husband is shot in the head during a heist-gone-wrong? The same one? OK! Great acting! But at least she emoted, which is something that Ryan Gosling was too cool for school about. 
  • Isn’t it kind of weird that Albert Brooks was basically the lead in this movie on account that he had the most lines? Ryan Gosling had two (“Sure” and “OK”). Also, I thought Albert Brooks was Ryan O’Neil at first. I’m not sure if that’s a burn on Albert Brooks or Ryan O’Neil. 
  • I swear to God, if anyone in this movie gets nominated for an Oscar, I will throw a fucking fit because subjective and pointless honors given to famous people sometimes really chap my ass. But I do want to hand out some awards here, particularly to Carey Mulligan’s character: she gets Parent of the Year for holding her son in her lap while some stranger drives his vintage sports car super fast all over the Grease set. And Christina Hendricks gets the Julia Stiles in The Bourne Identity award because what the fuck was Christina Hendricks doing in this movie?
  • I guess Christina Hendricks was visiting a friend on the set next door, and she wandered over onto the Drive shoot and was like, “Hey guys, I am famous because I am on TV and I have tits, have you heard?” And the director was like, “OMG I totally forgot to cast anyone for this shitty role of Blanche. You got a couple of hours? You really don’t have to say anything and you get to be shot in the head.” Christina was like, “Well, sure! But is it alright if I wear my street clothes? I love my faux-denim hoodie.” 
  • When Christina Hendricks was shot in the head and you see her brain explode? What great cinema. It really changed the game! You see, Drive thus far had been forty-minutes of Ryan Gosling’s blank stares set to the poor man’s M83, so something needed to happen. And obviously all hell had to break loose and everyone started dying in Saw-like ways. Hey, here’s a curtain rod, why don’t you get all McGuyver on everybody’s asses, Ryan Gosling? We need an excuse to show three seconds of the most violent thing anyone has ever seen, so we’re gonna need you to go ahead and kick someone’s face in with your snakeskin boots. (Oh, what a dreamboat homicidal maniac who had no realistic characterization that would allow us to believe that he would go ahead and break in someone’s face! SWOON.)
  • Ron Perlman: WOOF. I bet Christina Hendricks was really excited that she got her face on her own Drive poster, and then got 100% less excited when she saw that Ron Perlman had his own poster, too. 
  • Serious question: why didn’t more people get shot? It is 2011; are all of the mob-related deaths in Los Angeles stabbings and car-rammings? 
  • Another question: did you know that this movie was based on a book? I bet it was a YA novel. 
  • The only likable character in this movie, for me, was Benicio, the scrappy son of Carey Mulligan and her Latino husband. Having said that, I wanted everyone in this movie to be stabbed with a curtain rod and I would have been OK if the body count included little Benicio. Collateral damage!
  • At the end of the movie, when Albert Brooks meets up with Ryan Gosling to get the one million dollars that he didn’t even want in the first place, but it was there, just like everything else in this stupid movie with the pretty lights, I was so excited when Albert stabbed Ryan and then Ryan stabbed Albert, and I thought, “YES! EVERYONE IS DEAD NOW. How satisfying!” And then we had to sit there for another two minutes while Ryan Gosling stared into space before turning the ignition and driving off into the sunset, or driver heaven or something. “Fuck it,” said this movie.
  • Ryan Gosling’s character didn’t have a name. Oooooh, mysterious! Where did he come from? Was he a ghost the whole time? Why is that ghost wearing that stupid jacket and chewing on toothpicks? Who’s a super cool guy ghost?! I guess this was adding a little bit of western iconography into a film noir setting, which is the equivalent of a French-Asian fusion restaurant. I give it one star on Yelp. 
  • You’d think that as a freelance blogger with a questionable moral code would relate to a freelance stuntman / getaway driver with a questionable moral code, but I only make fun of famous people on the Internet and try my hardest not to beat people with hammers. But hey, I get how hard it is to live without health insurance, so that’s one thing that we have in common. 
  • I understand that when it comes to entertainment everyone has an opinion and not one is completely right. In this case, however, if you liked Drive you are a moron and I probably shouldn’t talk to you ever again because I am 1000000% correct here. The end!
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